The Facts of Life

When having a family picture taken, it’s inevitable that as one child looks at the camera, another will look away. It’s a fact of life. Cows chew their cud, chickens peck the ground, road runners escape and outwit coyotes, and children never simultaneously look at a camera.

Sometimes I think a magical, invisible string is attached to their faces. One end is fastened to the ear of the first child and the other to the nose of a second – preventing even the possibility of them looking the same direction.

Parents can sometimes break this invisible string if they yell, jump up and down like fools, and frantically wave whatever is nearby (sticks, leaves, small poodles). However, being a magic string, it reconnects immediately following any breakage.

The Chaoss Scale

This fact of life produces a traumatic effect on parents, which can be measured and quantified in a manner similar to the Richter scale. (For each tenth point the traumatic effect is multiplied 10 times.) It’s known as the CHAOSS (Children Having Acute Overactive Sensory Stimuli) scale. Let me give you the math. (If you don’t like math, then you can skip the next paragraph of it… kinda like you did in school.)

The age of the child is inversely proportional to the trauma of the parent. So the younger the child is, the more traumatic family pictures become. Here’s the formula to calculate the traumatic effect of family portraits on parents. Subtract the age of the child from the average lifespan of a person (say 70 for easy math). Then divide that number by the result of multiplying the age of the child by 10. Add all children together.

Having four young children, we’re about a 13.1 on the CHAOSS scale. Imagine a 13.1 earthquake and you’ll have something close to the traumatic effect we endure with family pictures.

The Trauma

Bottom line: it’s hard. Really hard.

One child looks and smiles, the second sticks his leg in the air. A third looks and smiles while the fourth is playing with the grass. The second decides to look and smile (because of a recent verbal barrage from the parents) when the third puts her hand in her mouth and shows us the apple from which she just took a bite. The fourth is still playing with the grass. The first puts his head down as the apple is swallowed by the third. The fourth finally looks up with a confused stare at the flailing arms and loud emotive sounds coming from just behind the camera, while the second falls down. The third shoos away bugs as the first is chomping on and proudly display his gum.

After loud shouts, clapping hands, and the waving of leaves, sticks, nearby small animals, and any other non-translucent object, the magic, invisible string breaks, and all four children look at the camera for an instant. Then the fourth looks back at the grass, the third complains about pieces of apple in her teeth, the second puts his leg back in the air and the first begins to wander away. One second for a picture in the thousand seconds that it took to get it. The parents are… well, I don’t know if they are at all any longer.

This is the CHAOSS scale at work.

And We Have The Photos To Prove It

Keep in mind, our photographer did a fantastic job of getting the absolute best shots from the entire thousand seconds. The ones with legs in the air, children falling on the ground, and so on, weren’t taken.

And the winner is… ?

Well, at least they’re all looking at the camera… sorta.

Tonight at dinner Alayna was eating beans. Fistfuls of beans were flying down her throat, literally. When she hit the bottom of the bowl, we encouraged her to move on to her spaghetti. She requested a spoon, in her usual way, with a scowl and a frantic call.

“Poon, poon, poon, POON, POON, POON, AARRGGHH!”

“Do you want a spoon Alayna?” Erin responded.

“Yeah!” Alyana answered with a large smile.

Erin got up to get the spoon and Alayna cheered, “Yay!”

Upon returning to the table, Erin handed Alayna the spoon and sat down. Alayna took the spoon in her left hand and immediately became distracted by something else. I think it was her spaghetti filled right hand, which she wanted cleaned.

“Een, een, een, EEN, EEN, EEN, AARRGGHH!”

I told her to lick it clean. She responded by grinning ear to ear and putting her hand into her mouth. However, by this time she realized she wanted her spoon.

“POON, POON, POON, AARRGGHH!”

Yes, we got to the yelling point immediately this time. I pointed to her left hand and reminded her she had the spoon there. She looked down, and her frowning, mad face instantly brightened with a smile, “Ooooohh, pooooon!”

A schizophrenic?  A bi-polar? No, just my 20 month old….

Keep in mind this is just one child. The others are either refusing to eat, falling off their chairs with plates and food flying, crying incessantly from the swing, demanding more milk, etc., etc., etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our kids and I love dinner… Sometimes, though, I’d like to love them separately.

It’s a common spring site, dandelions. And no matter how hard you try, your lawn is bound to get them. But when you have kids, dandelions are an even more likely occurrence. Most kids like to blow dandelion seeds because it’s so much fun (you know you still want to). But my kids have a plan to get dandelions to take over the yard. I saw this plan in action this afternoon when the kids were out enjoying the sprinkler.

To accomplish this they first needed to obtain some dandelion seeds. So, naturally, they visited our neighbor’s yard, which has an abundance of dandelions, and brought them back into our yard.

Then they needed to get those seeds all over our backyard. So, upon returning with the dandelions, they realized that simply blowing the seeds into the air was not good enough to ensure a mass take over of our yard by the dandelions. So they decided to let the sprinkler shoot the dandelion seeds into our lawn.

This is the heart of their plan. They needed to evenly distribute and provide nourishment for these seeds. Our sprinkler, with its swirling columns of water, provided their best bet. You see, seeds need water to grow, and by allowing the sprinkler to shoot the seeds this accomplishes both even spreading and feeding at the same time. They were in effect saying, “Here little dandelion seeds, take these drops of water and go find a place of your own in this vast world we call our backyard. May these drops bury you deep into the soil where you may take root and grow strong. Be fruitful and multiply, making even more dandelions after your own kind.”

So, now I have well-watered dandelion seeds spread throughout my backyard. And thus I will have a mass take over of dandelions.

January & February 2010

January is a boring month.  You have to admit you agree.  The end of the Holiday season brings boredom (birthday highlights aside), so not much happened.  And after all the fuss that occurs between Black Friday and New Years Day, not having much happen was a welcomed relief.

Ethan’s birthday falls in February, and this year he turned five.  He was very excited to make the half-decade mark, and we were left trying to find out where the past 60 months had gone.  In five years Ethan has grown into a full-blown little boy. He is a great big brother to both Lucas (fights not withstanding) and Alayna (he’s already honing his big brother protection skills).  He’s either skipping through the house, absorbed in a puzzle (he prefers the 500 piece kind, and is determined to conquer a 1000 piece soon), building something, or decorating his room with … well, with stuff.  He tried Karate this year and enjoyed it, but we’re not sure he’ll do it again.  He likes getting his picture taken as well as seeing other people have their picture taken; so much so that he feels compelled to join them in their picture.  We are very thankful that God has brought him into our lives.

March 2010

They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, well ours was reversed.  The beginning of the month was uneventful, but the end had back-to-back birthday and anniversary.  Erin turned… well she had another birthday this year.  She is doing well, continuing her effort to transform the homemade bag industry one bag at a time… with a lot of time in between each one.  Raising three kids leaves little time for anything else, but she ceaselessly and tirelessly fills her orders for bags, right up to the last minute.  She enjoys being able to stay home with the children and wouldn’t trade that for anything.

We celebrated our seventh anniversary by having a nice quiet dinner at a local establishment (Easy Street Café – home of the best onion rings; Outback’s Bloomin’ Onion is awful by comparison).  Seven years isn’t all that long, but when a lot happens in such a timeframe, it can seem like quite awhile.  But its been a wonderful adventure.

April  & May 2010

Shortly after Easter, we made our first foray into the world of homeschooling by attending a homeschooling convention.  We had discussed homeschooling for a while, and so we felt it was important to investigate.  Taking Alayna along with us, we drove south to spend two nights and three days at the Millennium Hotel in downtown Cincinnati. It didn’t take long to quickly surmise that “home education” is quite a subculture.  However, we also discovered that it is much more mainstream than we thought (which was evidenced by the lack of blue jean jumpers, although they still reared their ugly head here and there – no offense to those who love them).  Not knowing what we didn’t know, it was hard to determine where to start with everything.  But start we did and by the end of the weekend we learned quite a lot and selected a curriculum to use for Kindergarten.

May saw the grass get greener, the air become warmer, and the flowers start blooming.  The dark and depressing days of winter were fully passed, and we tried to spend as much time as possible out of doors to recover.  Our landscaping was beautified, the bowling alleys visited, the house projects commenced, and the little white stick had two pink stripes on it.  Yes, two stripes, not one.  You know, those little sticks that tell you another life will be visiting you in nine months by showing two pink lines.  The ones that say, “Ready or not, here someone comes!”  Yeah, we had one of those in May.   This wasn’t intentional, but one’s intentions and God’s plans don’t always coincide.  After the shock (which lasted well into July) we accepted and embraced the idea fully.  We are thankful to have another little boy join the family.  Estimated Arrival:  January 2011.  Actual Arrival: TBA.

June & July 2010

Summer was here and Ethan finished preschool!  After two years of attendance, he graduated with full honors (he was fully honored by all the doting family members).  He loved Rainbow preschool, but was also ready to begin the new adventure of homeschooling in the fall.

We try to get at least one camping trip in each year and July was our month.  We met up with some friends in the lovely city of Ada, Ohio.  It was great to spend time with friends, especially those whom we don’t often get to see.

Summer also brought the call: “Go west young family.”  Okay, so that’s not how it goes, but the Vile family heard and answered it.  Literally.  We left the house and two days later, with 24 hours of car time logged, we arrived in Loveland Colorado – the home of Erin’s brother and his wife and family.  We greatly enjoyed our time with geographically-challenged family (I think that’s the PC way to put it).  The kids enjoyed playing with their cousins, riding on Uncle Ryan’s boat, visiting the Rodeo, climbing a mountain, and generally raising a ruckus.  It went by quickly, but was fun while it lasted.  Erin’s mom joined us for the long ride home.  I’m pretty sure next time she’ll fly.

August 2010

Alayna turned one in August.  We’ve had fun watching her grow, explore, and learn so much over the past year.  She went mobile by her birthday, starting to crawl; then switched from four limbs to two and started walking by Thanksgiving!  We like to see her make her way around the house (if you see the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, watch how Johnny Depp walks – that’s what she looks like).  Her personality is becoming clearer, and she’s already learned the art of getting what she wants with just a look…  yes folks, she’s a girl.

The boys love her, sometimes too much, which usually is occasion for one of her signature ear piercing shrieks (Dad calls it a banshee cry, but Mom refuses to entertain that term).  She’s a complete Daddy’s girl, and uses her Ninja Death-Grip to prevent anyone from stealing her away from him.   We love our little girl.

September 2010

This month marked the beginning of a new and immense adventure; a walk down an uncertain path.  The Vile Home Education School opened its doors and admitted a single student.  Erin started homeschooling Ethan.  The first few weeks were admittedly bumpy, as everyone was trying to adjust to this new way of life.  But once Ethan knew what to expect, and Erin adjusted to the routine, it was smooth sailing (well not without a few storms).  Ethan is learning a ton, already starting to read a few simple books!  He loves numbers and math is a breeze.  We’ve still got a lot to figure out in this area, but it’s going as well as can be expected!  We’re excited to see where this path leads.

October & November 2010

Fall was in full swing.  Leaves were changing colors and dropping off their branches – and the boys had fun helping Dad rake them up.  But colder and shorter days meant more time inside for the boys.  And considering that the two of them are still in the single digits and full of energy our house is… well, you’ve seen pictures of a mushroom cloud, right?  Lots of energy plus cramped small space equals large explosion; pretty much every night.  It’s fun, but a challenge to make it till 8:00pm.

Kevin had a birthday in October.  Each year goes by so quickly that it’s hard to keep track of the number, so we’ll just say it was another one.  He’s been working from home since May of 2008 and enjoying it.  The family is glad to have him around and will occasionally drop into his office (the back room – quietest place there is in a loud house).  And typically if one comes, the whole gang follows.  He does get work done though… somehow.

We had a chance to get away down to Hocking Hills, Ohio without the kids for a couple days.  It was a welcomed break – the calm before the storm – and we enjoyed some rest and relaxation.  The weather was nice and the landscape was beautiful, giving us opportunity to hike some beautiful trails.  Erin made it the first few miles or so, but then the reality of pregnancy set in and Kevin was forced to trek the last couple alone to retrieve the car and pick up the tired lady.  It was a fun time.

December 2010

Lucas turned four in December, and he certainly has grown up!  It was less than 12 months ago that he finished potty training, and just a few months ago he started preschool, what a whirlwind!  He loves going to Rainbow Preschool and does great.  He enjoys all kinds of sports, likes to mow the lawn with Dad (the whole thing), snuggling with his multitude of stuffed animals, and long walks by the beach – wait, was that Lucas?

Our little boy is a full of passion, the kind that manifests itself in large bursts of sound.  But we’re glad to see that he’s fully committed to things – either he completely likes them or hates them!  He likes his little sister and tries to be a helpful brother, although she’s not too sure about the nature of their relationship informing us all with her signature shriek.  He is a wonderful and irreplaceable addition to our family.  Thank God for little boys.

Well, that was our year in less than 1700 words, hopefully you made it the whole way, but we’ll forgive you if you skipped some!  We want to thank all our friends and family for all you mean to us; its great to have you all come along on the ride with us one day at a time!

May your Christmas be filled with love and joy as we celebrate the birth of our Savior and may the New Year bring many blessings. Would you let Christ be the center of this next year and allow Him to guide you in every step, for He wants our hearts and our lives!

With Love,
The Vile’s
- Kevin, Erin, Ethan, Lucas, Alayna and BABY!

Ethan (offering only a red piece of construction paper): “What color paper do you want for your drawing?”

Squirrel (looking puzzled): “Do I have a choice?”

Ethan: “Yes.”

Squirrel (still rather puzzled): “What colors are my choices?”

Ethan: “Red.”

Squirrel: “….”

Ethan then ran to the table and began drawing on the red piece of construction paper. He was quickly followed by Lucas carrying a green piece of construction paper (although no choice was offered).

I think when Ethan grows up he’s going to be a politician… or maybe a lawyer… or possibly work in advertising… any of those seem to fit his newfound skill in… we’ll call it “persuasiveness.”

Ethan finished his 2nd year of preschool this year. He was a “Tiger” at Rainbow Preschool. It was so fun watching him grow and learn, as he was prepped for Kindergarten. Mrs. K is an amazing teacher and we are so grateful for her love and dedication to our kiddos. She gave Ethan a great head start for the love of learning which will make my job of homeschooling Ethan next year a bit easier!

Here are some pics of Ethan’s last day at school.

End of the year picture in front of the “sign”

One on his way “out”, and one on his way “in” (Lucas will be a Rainbow Bear next year)

Lucas:

I know, Bluey Blue. (The name of our recently deceased – may he rest in peace – betta fish)

Dad:

But he doesn’t have any blue on him.

Ethan:

Then let’s call him Bluey Orange.

Dad:

But he doesn’t have any blue on him.

Ethan:

I don’t know what to name him.

Dad:

What other animal has white and orange on it?

Ethan:

I know, a cow!!

Dad:

Do cows have orange on them?

Ethan:

No.

Dad:

Then, what kind of animal has white and orange on it?

Ethan:

I know, a cow!!

Dad:

I don’t think a cow has orange on it do you?

Ethan:

No.  But it has white.

Lucas:

A cow has black and white.

Dad:

You are right Lucas.  Does a tiger have white and orange on it?

Ethan & Lucas:

Yeah!!

We decided to name the fish Tiggy, after Mom suggested Tigger which was modified slightly to differentiate it from the popular Disney character Tigger.  Car ride conversations can be very entertaining.

Alayna’s First Snow… we love those cheeks and can’t stop kissing them!!!

No such thing as a perfect picture these days so this will have to do… Alayna was sliding on the wood floor and Lucas was not cooperating (go figure). I love it though!

So big… at 4 months

Christmas Day

Ethan’s always smiling… Lucas could care less and Alayna doesn’t know what’s going on.

This kid’s smile is wide open… too cute!

And she always loves to stand!

Ethan and his new glasses… he is doing great with them and Doc says all is going well!